update

I don’t know where my mind is lately friends. Caught somewhere between trying to take the processes of bourgeois law seriously (I am taking some courses) and extricating myself from so many fake and toxic people as far as how they present themselves online. So that is my excuse for not posting my follow-up piece on mass shootings, though I have not left it behind.

I have this happen every so often, this overload to the point of not being able to sift through the daily crap. Bombs, drills, and shootings to the point the random conspiracy groups are also on overdrive trying to analyze them, and with entryist fascoids in the mix, it’s all the more exhausting to process. I can pinpoint exactly what is or isn’t disinfo, but the depressing part is seeing this “conspiracy manufacturing” for the commodification it is.

I’ve been off twitter but have been checking in on some solid researcher friends’ timelines and they are on fire. That is good to see. They are really getting to the bottom of things and are so underappreciated, mocked, smeared…it’s really awful. I hate having been caught up with all of it. I’ve been wavering between beating myself up for being too “thin skinned” after people have just made shit up about me whole cloth and then cutting ties with anyone who rubs me wrong because of so much history, recent and further back. I can handle rejection in the virtual sense just fine, typically, but to know that people I thought I was cool with believe lies about me is kind of depressing. Whoever I have annoyed with more influence and who went on to make ripples that sent nerdy enforcers my way has won this round. I’m fucking beat for the time being — productive and happy in other areas, so fuck those guys. Enjoy your playpen of despair (?)

Perhaps I do get myself too involved with the dynamics of groupings on twitter, but I want to say that’s part of my being observant. I’m not trying to puff myself up in any sense. I’ve been annoyingly detail-oriented for as long as I can remember, sometimes with the most inconsequential of things. I think this is why my mind goes on strike when I have so many balls in the air and really the “twitter left” isn’t worth the energy. It’s a cannibalistic social club and even some of the most informative of the lot don’t give a shit about the abuse that goes on within these different group dynamics. Branding really does win out.

I’ve been reading back through my tumblr and revisited my thought processes about twitter and social media in general over the last few years. I was regularly journaling the social shaping that I knew I was subjecting myself to while trying to do what I could in an activist sense within the limiting parameters I knew existed. Slightly weird because of how on the nose it was, writing exactly what I continue to see play out in these spheres while feeling its effects more acutely at this moment. But that’s because I’ve been around a while, and maybe that’s comforting at least.

Like I said, I stay happily busy with other things rather than worrying about what is going on online, just a little bummed my mind can’t hack it right now as I lick my wounds. What keeps nagging at me, even among more principled people within these circles, is this: what is wrong with just not being an asshole? Is that too aristocratically ethical or morally-minded a concern among the hard-nosed online dissenters? I’m not talking about negativity, or complaining, or any gripes that bring like-minded people together who know the horrors we are up against — just being mindful of people, being up front, respecting them. You know, treating them as multi-dimensional human beings we are constantly told we are not by the masters.

This general disregard is something that I can’t look past these days. I have been isolated and alienated to the point of having no real material network that I’m not worried about telling the next asshole whose politics I might agree with to fuck off. Part of putting up with so much shit has been because of my fear of not having a greater “irl” network that I had just five or six years ago before I felt the tighter crunch of fascist budgetary clampdown that sent me off here and there for survival, so I’ve tried to unnecessarily force things that just aren’t there and put up with assholes. The truth is that having a few people you can really call friends, who you truly love and who love you back, is the greatest thing you can leave this world knowing you had. You know, you deal with their occasional assholery and they with yours because of that established mutual respect!

So as I’ve been turning these seemingly elementary matters over in my head and trying to write on them, no matter how ineloquently, I’m glad I reviewed some past posts. I came across this great quote from the late John Judge which, as I commented on at the time, “goes well beyond Ghandist platitudes…”

I think mostly it’s a matter of taking your life seriously and owning it and not buying into the lie you’re told that your life is worthless, that your life is merely some part of a vast historical chain, realizing that you have worth as an individual and that other people have it too. And have it much beyond the manipulation and the games you’re taught to play with other people. When you begin to respect yourself, you begin to respect other people enough to form non-oppressive and supportive bonds with them and work on reality in a concrete way. As long as you’re in the system from an opportunist view, they’re going to manipulate you from just about any angle they can. It’s basically like wheel of fortune, every particular human perversity, every particular human addiction that they can lay out there in front of you they will. […] They make those significant and they put those to a human ear.

There’s a whole lot to chew on in that short quote, and it’s very simple. Respect for and value of human life aren’t things that have to go through official vetting, sent up through the food chain to the inhumane rulers before we can work on these things. “Revolution begins at home” is cliche by now and appropriated by the opportunists, but I don’t think that means casting it aside because others are cynical with its meaning. Grow up and don’t be an asshole and go from there to make the real concrete changes. Anyway, below is the longer lecture this quote is from. I hope you’re doing well out there, and I’ll follow up with the mass shooting craziness in due time!

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